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Published on 16 March 2023 at 09:25

I cant be the only one questioing my marriage & relationship after almost 17 years of matrimony

It feels like we're both just two very different people that want totally different things at this point

I've been doing a lot of soul searching & have been on this journey for about 3 years now after & during covid everything basically went to shit between us. I guess my eyes became opened & I saw way more than I ever bargained for. I started noticing shifts & changes in his behaviors the way he acted & spoke to me. He got a lot more irritated & frustrated with me & started pointing out my flaws frequently that was the first tell, tale sign of something was majorly up & wrong

Little, did I know, I'd later learn way more that I wished I had never learned or experienced at times. But, at the same time our trials & tribulations make us stronger, well after they brake us In half first that is & rip our hearts into tiny shreds. Then, we of course get stronger. After being devastated & experiencing such true destruction in my life there was only one place left to go eventually up because I saw the lowest of the lows, depression, increased anxiety, worry, true suffering. But, I also must admit that when my nerves get bad & I'm upset I can't eat much & I lost a bunch of weight as well. 

But, the harder we fall the more we rise above. It takes rain showers & storms to make the flowers grown. We can't have night without day time, so we have to take the bad with the good or turn it into something good at least

 I went from about 100 lbs to 130 lbs, I started exercising daily, got a gym membership, got my medications readjusted by my doctor, got into counseling, and preserved through it all. But, guess who came out on top. You guessed it right I most certainly did. You know how some people as they age they just seem to grow into their beauty & gorgeousness

 Well, that's what happened to me seriously every single person I know continously compliments me on my appearance & the improvements I've made & how far I've come. 

I do need to back up after I had suspected my husband was having an affair I suffered in silence, shock, & disbelief at first. Then, anger and rage came later along with zseo self esteem & no confidence left. But, I decided to do something I always wanted to do for myself. I treated myself to having a breast augmentation & of course not for him at all, but to help boost my confidence levels if at all possible. I'm currently 38 & the girl my husband had an on-going affair with was his co-worker & she was only 23. 

I wished I could report that the boob job did the trick, but it didn't I still was trying to feel better, to feel something anything. So, I started getting back into counseling, had my meds adjusted & I started gaining weight along with working out. I've always been a very small & petite woman my entire life & I always wanted a woman's body. But, was always 5'2" & 100-110 lbs. My medication helped to level out my moods, decrease my anxiety, decrease my depression & PTSD as well

 I went through a lot of unexpected life changes over the last 3 years. Everyone that sees me now compliments me on how amazing I look & they say I have a glow about me, but it's also my self confidence levels are through the roof. I worked hard on self-improvement not for anyone else but for myself it's easy for a woman to lose her individuality & her identity after she becomes a wife, then a mother, career, bills, life, etc you start to lose sight of who you are, your likes & interest, because you were so busy trying to be the best wife & mother you could be. But, as time progresses & as your children reach older teenagers you realize, damn it I'm important too, I matter too, & I want and need to rediscover myself as a woman and as an individuL So, that's what I've been doing focusing all of my time, energy, & efforts into falling in love with myself again, rediscovering me what I like & don't like, what I want & need and what I'll never, ever, put up with or deal with ever again. 

I learned what I want out of a partnership & how I want and need open, honest, & candid conversation, no matter hoe uncomfortable it makes me or others, because it's all necessary in the part of the growth process. 

 I've grown so much and changed me, my ways, my physical appearance, my overall health & wellness to discover that I truly question if marriage is even for me, for us, especially him. After all, I don't think he was the monogamous marrying type looking back all these years later, but you know how often we see what we want to see, rather than seeing the real truth for what it is. 


We've been together for 20 years now total, married for almost 17 years this upcoming May. I don't wear my ring that often anymore

 It's beautiful and I love it, but it doesn't have the same value & meaning it once had to me

 Therefore, I more than often don't wear it as much as I did over 3 years ago



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